20 minutes of hell
A Pleb talks. I sat in meditation. I looked for peace and was visited by self-hated. Sitting cross-legged . . . Tibetan singing bowls softening the air around me and yet my mind found hell. Many demons came to rest on my front lawn. Laughing at me, shaming me, hating me, tricking me into pretending that I was loving myself by meditating. I meditate because I love myself, I told the demons. They only laughed, of course, they said, why else would you meditate? You cannot escape so easily. Sitting cross-legged, watching your breath and your mind is on fire. You hope this will be over soon so that you can go do the thing that will bring you relief. The thing that will make you feel safe again. What? They ask in their mocking, jeering ugly voices. How can you feel safe with this self-hatred at the heart of your very being? They howl now. Who wouldn’t run from you? But I stayed. And I listened for the voices of the lost goddesses. I stayed in my heart and I may not have found the heart of love but I may have come just a little bit closer.
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To the Plebs, the Bodhisattva says . . . guilt is not your spiritual work. Guilt is not the voice of your soul. Making things right is. Finding your true soul voice is. Guilt is oppressive. My father believes in guilt. He is not above using it to oppress the Plebs. He has, for one thousand incarnations. I can no longer allow this.
My father has made a perfect world for us, for the Immaculate race, that is. You may know him. He has many disguises; he has played many roles on many different worlds.
Attika, my world, is perfect. Even in these foreboding towers where I live, all is brightness and light. We are in an enlightened age. There is so much light I can hardly see. But there is darkness below. It haunts me, calls me. I must go there to see who I am.
My father has done many things to keep us in the light. Incomprehensible things. My father is a complex man, a dangerous man. I must defy him. I must leave the Sun Towers to find the truth.
I am incomplete. I sense this. I will find myself and I will make a better world, for everyone.
March 20, 2014
The Hundred Imperial Scholars have gifted me with a prophecy and in doing this they have condemned me. I am separated from the Immaculates. I am not trusted or wanted. I am “special” (as if being the only begotten daughter of the Lord Emperor Incarnate was not special in its own right).
My Lord Father would have us believe that the Plebs do not have a soul. I would disagree. I would have my Lord Father know what it is like for us to live under his rule.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t love my father, I do. It’s just that he frightens me, sometimes. And if all Immaculates told the truth, which they do not frequently do, they would admit that they too are frightened of their Lord Emperor. No one questions him, because in our collective memories fear lurks in the shadows.
April 6, 2014
My Lord Father would not have me exposed to myths of ancient Goddesses. How can I hold resentments, when I know who I am? He imagines that the radiant excellence is his and his alone. This has been his journey for one thousand incarnations. He has tried to convince himself of this for a very long time.
The Plebs cannot wait for forgiveness. The Imperial Ruling Thought is a system that never forgives. My father is most dangerous when he is forgiving. I walk on eggshells when he is in this generous state of his two-sided mind. I know there will be consequences. My father loves consequences. He conjures them up out of thin air.
April 7, 2014
I would like you to meet the Fatima Oracle, my friend and teacher. Fatima and I have formed an alliance. It goes beyond what my father has imagined for us. The Oracle has served all the Emperor Incarnates of all the Dynasties and has made impossible things possible. The Dynasties are nothing without her. My Lord Father would have me believe that he controls everything. Fatima and I, we will prove that this is far from the truth.
April 8, 2014
There is no doubt that my Lord Father plays the long game. But short or long, the end game is the same game. We all return home.
April 15, 2014
I would not encourage hatred of my Lord Father. This would make him too powerful in the minds of children, the innocent Plebs. Their dreams and nightmares would fill with fear. I would have their dreams filled with love and only love.
May 25, 2014
To the Plebs who are ruled by the Imperial Ruling Thought – thoughts of guilt and punishments – I would tell you to activate love in your consciousness and love will become the activity of your awareness. You will see it everywhere. Sensitize yourself to love. Allow yourself to become more intimate with all the ways love speaks to you. It will be the sound of your true voice. Do not turn away from love’s whispers. This is only the beginning.